I just heard a funny one from Larry the Cable Guy. He was madder than a mosquitoe in a manikin factory. What sounds dirty but is not? A juicebox. Is it wrong to call a child tardy when he or she is late for school?

My uncle sent me this one I liked very much:

An elderly gentleman owned a large farm with a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming so he fixed it up nice with sun beds and picnic tables.
One evening the old fellow decided to go down to the pond as he hadn't been for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to put some fruit in from the nearby trees. As he neared the pond he heard voices shouting and laughing.
As he got closer he saw it was a bunch of young ladies skinny dipping in the pond. When they were aware he was there they all went to the deep end.
"We are not coming out until you leave!" One of the women shouted.
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you all naked or make you get out of the pond." He held the bucket up and added, "I've come to feed the alligators."

Some old men can still think fast!

Did you know Facebook has been hacked by a illegal porn virus recently? Until this clears up, do not poke anybody without a condom.

Boy: How many apples can you eat in empty stomach?
Girl: I can eat 6 apples.
Boy: you can eat only 1 apple in empty stomach, because when you eat the 2nd apple that's not in empty stomach.
Girl: wow super joke I'll tell my friend....

Now this Girl to Other Girl: How many apples can you eat in empty stomach?
Other Girl: I can eat 10.
Girl: Stupid, if you had said 6 then I'd have told you a great joke ..! :D :P

2 sperm are talking and one sperm says the the other how much longer till we get the the uterus, the other sperm replies the uterus? we havn't even made it past the esophogus.

Q:What is PI R Squared?
A: Pie aren't squared. Pie are round, cake are squared!

How do you make a plumber cry? Kill his family.
Where do you find an upside down turtle? Wherever you left it.

There are three girls stranded in a desert. A blonde, a brunet, and a red-head. They run into a genie and they each get to have one wish to bring them something. The brunet wishes for water in case she get thirsty. The red-head wishes for food in case she gets hungry. The blonde wishes for a car door so that when she gets hot she can roll down the window and feel the breeze.

There was this wife, she was cheating on her husband with three guys at one time. All of a sudden the husband comes back home. The three guys hear the husband coming in, so in panic, they jumped into the closet and hid. So they were all thinking how are they going to escape! One of them came up with an idea, he came out of the closet,while the other two stayed hiding, the husband in surprise asks: 'What are you doing here?"
The first guy said: "I was in a dog fight, my jet got hit, I had to eject and by mistake I landed on your balcony. Sorry can I leave please?"
Husband: "You poor guy, do you want some help, do you want to eat, do you need money?"
First guy: " No thanks, I just want to leave"
The first guy left, the other two guys hiding couldn't believe that the husband fell for it! So they decided to do the same. The second guy comes out of the closet and again, the husband was surprised to see him.
Husband: "What are you doing here?!"
Second guy: "I was in my jet, I got hit and I had to eject, I landed on your balcony"
Husband: "Oh you poor guy,can I help you, do you need some food, maybe some money?"
Second guy: "No thanks, your very nice, but I just want to leave!"
The third guy couldn't believe it! How did the husband fall for it! So finally, the third guy comes out of the closet and the same thing happens again. The husband was very nice and lets him go!
While, he was leaving the house, he thought to himself, "How could we have done this to him! We lied to him, while he was very nice to us!" The third guy feels guilty and decides to go back and confess to the husband.
Third guy: "Did you really believe, the story we told you, about the dog fight and the jet?!"
Husband: "Why not?! Last time, a submarine sank and ten poor guys came out of the bathroom!"
Lol

What is the difference between boogers and broccoli?

Kids won't eat broccoli.